Good Intentions Can Suck

Ever since B & I entered counseling, we learned that we were horrible at communicating with each other.



Our counselor gave us a list of healthy & unhealthy ways to communicate. We realized that most of what we said to each other, when we were "discussing" (aka arguing....well, let's call it what it is: FIGHTING), were unhealthy. We were defensive. We pointed accusations. We walled up. We rolled our eyes or walked away.

GUYS. These are NOT good things to do. They are not healthy. Maybe you're saying, "But my husband and I have a different relationship." Okay, maybe you do and maybe these unhealthy things work for you. But for us.....no way. It only kept hurting and not solving anything.

Sure, we always end up saying we're sorry and making up, but nothing ever got solved. Each fight would end in me crying and B feeling frustrated. Heck, this happened even AFTER we got our list.

Sometimes, we would point out the unhealthy thing we were doing, which brings me to the title of this post: Good Intentions Can Suck.

When I communicate with B, I'm purposefully trying to communicate in a healthy way:

1. Instead of "You don't ever tell me I look good!", I say, "I feel sad when you don't tell me that I look good or compliment me."

2. Instead of being passive aggressive and telling him that he doesn't do anything either when he asks why I don't pick up the house more often, I can listen to him, take a look at the past few days and see if maybe he's right.

ETC
ETC
ETC

Sometimes those good intentions can cause problems though.

I might want to tell B that I don't like something he does or says. But maybe I don't say it the right way or I realized that it was bad timing. And there he goes, he is upset with me and we start arguing.

Maybe I want to try to talk about doing music again, which is a sore subject, but it comes out whiny.

Maybe I try to use those communication skills I've learned about to tell a friend or family member how I feel because that's what we're supposed to do instead of bottling it up and they become offended.

Maybe I THINK I'm doing the right thing by sending an e-mail to try to right a wrong and because technology can be hard to read with emotions, it only disappoints the other person.

Just because I know of the healthy points of communication doesn't always mean that they are going to work out the right way in every situation. It sucks because sometimes you get hurt and sometimes you hurt the other person. Sometimes you have to wait for the other person to come around and sometimes you have to apologize. And sometimes it can ruin something for an undetermined amount of time.

Good intentions can suck, so I need to weigh my options. Is it the right time? Am I too emotional about what I want to say? Is the other person someone who will listen? Am I ready to take the risk of getting hurt or hurting the other person? Is it worth the hurt?

You might ask those questions and say, "No, it's not the right time. I'm too emotional and I think it isn't worth the hurt it might cause right now." Or "It needs to be said because I care about the other person, even though we never like to hear when we've done something hurtful."

And being on the other end is hard too! Sometimes I feel hurt when B tells me something I'm doing wrong or when I'm hurting him, but I have to hear him out because I care about him. If there's a solution, I want to do my best to be a part of it. It might be him overreacting or there's truth in what he's saying. I have to choose how to respond. I could be passive aggressive (which is something we both struggle with) or, I can listen. I can validate his feelings. I can disagree with him without being hurtful.

If you are interested in this list of healthy & unhealthy ways to communicate, I'd love to share them with you! It's hard to start with, but over time...heck, it's still hard. But it's a good thing to learn to do!