May 2018-September 2018: Realizing life will not be what it was and trying to figure out what normal looks like.
October 2018-November 2018: Thinking I know what my new normal looks like.
December 2018-PRESENT: Knowing now what my new normal is and starting all over.
I have never gone through so many emotional changes so quickly. Thinking life could be normal when "normal" was not normal. Trying to figure out what normal looks like, but not liking it at all. Thinking I know what normal is when still trying to figure out if it really is normal. FINALLY, figuring out that I know what normal looks like and starting to love it.
WOW. That is a lot to take in.
I heard this song, "Control (Somehow You Want Me)" by Tenth Avenue North (I freaking love them) and I cried because in the actual video, the band says that they were neglecting their families due to touring and decided to give up music and focus on their families. God moved in and through them and brought them back. This song, it was written from that. (Check out this video.)
I cried. I didn't want to give up music. I couldn't give up music. How could I?
Do you know what happened? Slowly, VERY slowly, the desire started wearing from my heart. I needed music less and less. God was healing me, in His own time. And as the desire started wearing away, He began rebuilding my new life, filling it with different people, different hobbies (hello Canvas By Cassandra) and the desire to be with my family, to actually WANT to be with them.
Now, I hear the song and I think YES. I can take my hands off of my life in the way it should go.
It has been a year and a half; I still miss doing music and I'm hoping to kind of ease back into it this year. But it's not my life anymore. At least, it's not my life right now. It's not my obsession, like it used to be. I don't want it to take over my life. I want it to be a part of my life, a part that compliments who I am. Just a part.
I don't really know anyone who has been entirely in my shoes, but if you are struggling with letting go of something, maybe this will help you.
Control (Somehow You Want Me) by Tenth Avenue North
Here I am
All my intentions
All my obsessions
I want to lay them all down
In Your hands
Only Your love is vital
Though I'm not entitled
Still You call me Your child
All my obsessions
I want to lay them all down
In Your hands
Only Your love is vital
Though I'm not entitled
Still You call me Your child
God You don't need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go
God You don't need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control
I give You control
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control
I give You control
I've had plans
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
To redeem and restore me
You're behind and before me
Oh, help me believe
Shattered and broken
Things I have hoped in
Fall through my hands
You have plans
To redeem and restore me
You're behind and before me
Oh, help me believe
God You don't need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go, oh
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To take my hands off of my life
And the way it should go, oh
God You don't need me
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control
But somehow You want me
Oh, how You love me
Somehow that frees me
To open my hands up
And give You control
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