I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE AWKWARDNESS.
I know, hate is a strong word, but look, I can't even watch awkward moments in movies (cue every single episode of The Office).
I don't handle awkward situations well AT ALL. Many who know me KNOW that about me. I do and say absolutely off-the-handle things. It's embarrassing, but....yikes.
So...when I screw up, make a mistake, do or say something that I shouldn't with friends (other than family- thank goodness I can just be dumb and they love me anyways), I begin to feel awkward around them.
- I don't make eye contact.
- I try not to walk by them.
- If I accidentally make eye contact, I mutter something unintelligible like a dork.
- If I accidentally walk by them, I speeeeeed it up.
- If they try to make conversation with me because we accidentally locked eyes AND I happened to be walking by them....oy. I act stupid.
Why do I do this? Why can't I just say "I'm sorry" and mend the fences? Why can't I just walk up to them and give them a hug? Why can't I just call them and right the wrong?
Sometimes it is pride. And sometimes it is because I just want to hide under a rock an make it go away. Actually, a lot of the time it is both.
I'm too prideful to admit that I was wrong AND I am just hoping the problem will just go away.
EXAMPLE: I felt like a friend and I had something wrong between us. So, I did what any awkward person does and tried to ignore it. But I really felt like I needed to say something and I was scared to do it over the phone or OH MY WORD in person. Instead, I did what you're not supposed to do and e-mailed them about how I was feeling.
WHY YOU SHOULDN'T TEXT OR E-MAIL WHEN YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT YOUR BAD FEELINGS: You feel a certain way, so you write a certain way. YOU know how you are feeling, but the other person might (probably will) read your words with a DIFFERENT emotion. Emotions get crossed, no one fixes it, thus ensues an even more awkward or angry situation....which is what happened.
I knew what I was saying was how I felt. The other person....took it different and responded with how they felt.
I was angry and hurt........and didn't say one word. B encouraged me to say something and to apologize for sending an e-mail. Pride told me I didn't need to apologize and my rock said, "Come hide under me and all will be well."
So I hid under my rock....which happened to be Bryce....which happened to be the wrong person to hide under. He kept encouraging me to say something and I kept trying to crawl further and further underneath him....and he kept standing taller and taller until the sun was shining on me and I realized I wasn't going to get to hide anymore.
UGH. There they were. Standing alone and turning right towards me. I knew it was now or never.
My knees were shaking, I felt like throwing up.....but I did it. I rambled, of course, because I was nervous, but I did it.
I apologized for sending the e-mail instead of calling them. I apologized for being angry. I explained, in person, how I was feeling and guess what? I started to feel better. I started to feel better because the person in front of me was extending grace, they were listening to me and understanding where I was coming from.
Do you know that I've had a conversation like that twice recently? One was a friend I hadn't spoken to for almost four years and the other was this friend in the example.
And do you know that 9 times out of 10, your relationship with that person will be better because you were able to stand in the sun and say what is on your heart? If you can come to them without an angry heart, say what is on your heart without being angry, they will most likely listen.
And if someone comes to you, you can listen and extend grace! It's a win-win!
Yes, there are times they won't listen to you because they are hurt or they are prideful. But you will feel better in the end, sharing your heart with that person. In time, they might come around, and if not....you did the best you could do.
I hope you have someone in your life that can be your rock...and encourage you to climb out of the dirt! I hope you can show grace to those who come to you and I hope you can go knee-shaking, puking, rambling into an awkward situation just like I did and have it come out clean on the other side.
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