Give Me Sanctuary, Part Two

So, what about the places or spaces that you are supposed to find sanctuary or peace in? Nobody seems to want to talk about those instances because they feel uncomfortable or are afraid of making other people feel uncomfortable.

If you've read any of my posts from earlier this year, you know I'm all about uncomfortable. I've talked about stuff that I thought was the worst. Maybe I made other people feel uncomfortable or maybe I opened the door for others to judge me...I don't know.

Today, I want to talk about something that I'm going through that a lot of people go through...but they talk about it the wrong way. I'm going to try to talk about it the right way, starting with this:

1. I am not here to gossip. I'm not sharing information that is private.
2. I am not here to slander anyone. No pointing fingers.
3. I simply want to share my story.

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. And go.

One place I used to find sanctuary in was church; the building, the people, the atmosphere. Why shouldn't I? It was one of the places I was happiest at, saddest at, etc. It's a place of peace, worshiping God with other Christ followers. Prayer, worship, teaching, fellowship...these are things the Bible tells us should bring us peace, make us feel safe.

People, the church DOES THESE THINGS!! I'm not saying they don't! God is an amazing God and can do amazing things in your life, if you let Him.

What I'm going through is a different circumstance.
Right now, the church does not bring me peace or make me feel safe. And that's ALL ME. No one has actually gone out of their way to hurt me or make me mad/sad in any way. No specific event or situation has ever made me feel unwanted or unliked. It's simply my emotions/reactions over not working at the church anymore.

Being in that building often feels like a knife to my heart. People, I WANT to be up there. I WANT to make music. I WANT to sing. I WANT to erase last year and start over again.

Folks, it is the actual building itself, seeing it around the corner, walking through it's lobby, sitting in its seats...it hurts. It's a constant reminder: "Oh, hey...back again? Cool. Hey, remember when you used to be the worship leader here? Remember all of the fun you had? Yah, must be hard to forget that. Don't worry...I won't let you forget. In fact, I'll help you remember that you DON'T do that anymore and won't ever again. In fact, I'll remind you every Sunday morning. Have a nice day."

The grieving process one would normally go through lasts all day, all night. Mine lasts one day a week. Every Sunday. Every Saturday night, I write in my journal, "Tomorrow is Sunday. I hope it's okay." And it's not. Even if I start out with joy, I dread walking through those doors. I wanted to fade in to the background, but I can't (literally...I love dying my hair different colors).

AND THEN...there's the stuff I put myself through: Expectations of others and unforgiveness.

God tells us to not put our hope in man, but we do it anyway. Then, man doesn't do what we want them to do and we get mad at them. Maybe they actually made a mistake or maybe it just didn't turn out the way you wanted it to. Either way, we get our feelings hurt.

Then comes the unforgiveness. Guys, unforgiveness is dumb. It doesn't hurt anyone but YOU. Yes, only you. The injured party is the only one that's hurt and the "culprit" has NO IDEA that you are mad at them or hurt by them. This is why, when you are upset or hurt, you are to go to that person, tell them how you feel and be done. Don't expect an apology, don't expect things to turn around. Just be done. Find forgiveness and move on.

Good advice, right? Why can't I take my own advice?? I feel like Alice when she sings, "I give myself very good advice, But I very seldom follow it." I do harbor unforgiveness and I'm working on it....my selfishness and pride are so strong. It's a hard thing to do and I'm sure each and every one of you have been in that position before.

So, the path I'm on right now...I don't know how it ends. I don't know what to do other than to keep praying to God to direct me, to show me the path I should take, to heal my heart, give me peace and make me whole. I've added, "I choose to not be bitter" to my mantra because I don't want to be bitter about circumstances that are out of my control. I really don't.

To sum all of this up:

B & I took two months off after I stepped down to really work on our marriage and to give the church some time to adjust without me being there. We began attending our church again from the beginning of October to the end of February. Increasingly, each Sunday, I would find myself either crying all the way home or raging all the way home. Then, I would fight with B almost every time because I wanted so badly for life to return to normal.

Christmas Eve was so freaking hard. We shouldn't have even gone to church.

By the end of February, I couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to feel rage, sadness, bitterness so I stopped. I stopped going to church. The only time I have been there was twice a month to serve at Kid's Night because I didn't want to leave the team I was serving with in a lurch. And Kid's Night just ended for the summer last night.

I can't go back there. I don't feel like I belong right now. And that is MY doing, not the church's, not the pastors', not the people. This is simply how I feel.

Friends, would you pray with me? Help me to find peace at the church I've loved for so long. Help me to find the direction that God wants me to go. Ask Him to heal my heart....I want to be healed so badly! I want to be able to walk into that church building feeling happy and whole.

And hey, if you're going through something similar, I feel ya. It's not the best feeling in the world, but we, by God's grace, can get through it.