This was my life.
A family. Together. Loved. Caring. All or nothing. I was not above anyone.
This is my life.
My emotions are all over the place. And before you say it, yes....girls are way more emotional and crazy than guys, so I get that. But I mean that my emotions are all over the place right now and have been over the last few months. I mentioned this in an earlier post, but I want to dive into them individually.
"Life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago."
My emotions change hour to hour some days. The last week was no different than the week before it. Each week held different and same trials as the week prior, although I can look back and see how things are better now than they used to.
One hour, I might feel like a failure. I failed my husband. I failed my kids. I failed my team at church. I failed my family. I failed my friends. I made choices that affected too many people. I begin to feel hopelessly guilty and ashamed. It's like quicksand. The more it is on my mind, the deeper I get into it until I think that maybe I should just leave. Maybe, since I was the problem, I should consider the well-being of my family. Would they be better off I didn't live here anymore? If B and I weren't married?
Then, the next hour, it goes into the what if mode and I start to feel depressed. What if B and I get divorced? It would be my fault. What would happen to the girls? I never meant for them to have this life. Life won't be any better for me. Sure, I'd survive, but do I want to survive by myself? I wouldn't always have to be by myself. Divorcees get married again all the time. But I'd have to get a job. The girls wouldn't be homeschooled anymore. I'd probably lose more friends. I'd be looked down upon by family. It would totally blow my chance of EVER doing music again.
The next hour, I'm sad. I'm sad that I made the choices I did. Sad that it changed my life drastically. Sad that B and I are where we are at. Sad that I don't get to be a part of music anymore. Sad that the trust has been shattered. Sad that I was so selfish.
Then, anger. I WAS selfish, but I've been forgiven. So why can't things go back to the way they were? Who is he to tell me that I can't do music? Who are they to say that I can't do music? I don't have to report my entire day, my entire life to anyone. I'm a grown woman.
Wickedness. I'm going to do what I want for me. I deserve to feel good about myself.
Repentance. I am sorry that I chose myself over my family. I want to be better. I want to do a better job. B still loves me and I'm grateful that he chose to be with me, as broken as I was/am.
Happiness. My life is still good. I have a husband who loves me for who I am, girls who adore me, a few good friends I can count on. We still have a good life.
Hopefulness. God has a plan. I know He has a plan for me. He is in control. I'm not giving up on my hopes and dreams. I just need to be patient. God knows my heart's desire. He knows that I want a strong marriage, good girls, books to read, coffee to drink, a happy life, muuuuusic all day every day. I just need to keep working on myself.
Wildly enough, these emotions can go in any order and can switch at any time. I feel crazy some days. If I actually journaled every time my emotions changed, it would be like reading a poorly written novel. The plot line would be all over the place. Or maybe it would be like "I Never Promised You A Rose Garden" with many different characters and none of it makes sense.
"And I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago."
I'm not who I was yesterday. I'm not who I was last week. And I'm not who I was last year. I miss her sometimes. She was carefree and happy....but a monster on the inside. Like she had a disease that began to eat her up inside and out and I am now the empty shell of her.
"I want to see miracles, to see the world change."
I know it will take a miracle to become someone new, in spite of all the change life has thrown at me. But I want to see it happen. I want to be filled up with newness. New memories. New emotions. Leap off the cliff to see where the wind will take me. Time heals all things. The question is...can I wait and see? What if I don't like the outcome? Well, no one ever said living was easy.
I'm not copping out. I'm not giving up. I'm going to keep moving forward, wind, rain or shine and see where this path takes me. I want to see what God has in store for me, good or bad. Come on this journey with me. No more excuses. We have twenty four of these extraordinary hours to learn from. Let's make it the best twenty four we can.
Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries
Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day
Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And I'm not who I thought I was twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
Twenty four reasons to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses still twenty four strong
See I'm not copping out not copping out not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts
But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me
Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me
I want to see miracles, see the world change
Wrestled the angel, for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me
Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.
I'm not copping out. Not copping out. Not copping out.
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