It Was Time

Bryce and I had been figuring things out for two years now. For those of you who have been there since the beginning, you KNOW how much hard work we have put into our marriage.

And we're STILL working on it- I don't think you are ever 100% done.

I felt like life was great. It was good. Things were good. Communicating was easier, normal was falling into place. And I felt like there was one more piece of "normal" that I wanted to try to add back in.

DING DING DING if you said music.

I wanted to add music back into my life and scheduled an appointment with our amazing counselor. He agreed that it might serve as a great healing opportunity, if we were willing to let it.

I was...Bryce was hesitant. He had every right to be. Wasn't it just a couple of years ago that I tried to replace him with my job at church? Wasn't it the presence on stage that caused me to stumble?

It was never the actual music. It was never the act of singing and worshiping. It was everything else. In Bryce's mind, it is hard to differentiate all of that...

BUT...he said yes. You can try it. We can see if it works. We can see if it is still a normal thing.

What? WHAT?! Really????

Me: Okay, take it in stride, calm down and breathe. Don't jump the gun and move immediately. Keep praying about it.

First step....as a former leader, can I even serve in that same ministry again? Are the pastors okay with it?

YES.

Second step...does the current worship leader even want me on the team? I know I would have had a hard time with that, but he said

YES- audition.

Third step...audition?????? I've never auditioned for anything! Time to take a bite of that used up term "humble pie" and just do it. I was nervous. Heck, I'd been nervous since Bryce agreed to let me do this. What if I can't sing well? What if I don't sing well? What if the worship leader decides I'm not a good fit? So....I audition with two songs I know well...

YES- you're a team member.

I cry. I cry a lot. I can't believe it. I get scheduled for the middle of September and I feel like the world is spinning off its axis.

Am I really doing this? Is this really happening? For so long, I thought that maybe God's plan was for me to do Canvas By Cassandra and music would be a thing of the past.

And....can I be a volunteer? Will I be able to take direction and not question it or give unwarranted advice?

The answer is and was.....YES. And....it was amazing. It was glorious. It was fulfilling. It was an honor. It was a privilege. And it was mine.

And there I was. I was on the stage, earpieces in....singing You Say by Lauren Daigle....and I cried.

I sang again in October, I sang again in November, I was super honored to sing at Christmas Eve and I'm singing again this month. Once a month....I get excited for those rehearsals, to use the craft that God has blessed me with. Heck, I get excited to do harmonies again, just like I used to!

And Bryce? Well, it is still kind of hard. But I'm hoping he can see that life can still be good and marriage be great and life be normal...and I pray for a wealth of healing to pour out of this experience, for both of us.