I Had No Idea

Two years ago, to be literally exact, I was choosing pretty much everything over my husband and my family. If you go back about 18 months ago, you can read my previous posts and see the pain I was struggling with upon figuring out that I was a pretty selfish person.

Sometimes I hear or see something that takes me back and I have to remember that the past is dead. I do not celebrate the past or let it steal my joy. I have to remember that God is good. God is merciful. And God gives me grace. Over and over and over and over.

I was wrapped up in my own world. Music/church was everything. I revolved around it like the sun, never straying. I had started up Canvas By Cassandra earlier that year, but was struggling to make sales. I would advertise for custom orders, make inventory that I wasn't sure would sell. I was not confident in my art, not confident as a worship leader, but overly confident in my status.

That's what it was all about. I was SOMEBODY.

Then my world came crashing down around my head as I was spinning out of control. OUT. OF. CONTROL. No "Jesus, take the wheel." No "I'm drowning." It was, "Hey, what does this button do?"

But, I had no idea.

I had no idea how God could take something so broken and make it whole again.

I had no idea how God could heal a gaping wound, where something sacred once was stored.

I had no idea what joy God had in store and that life could go on without music.

But Canvas By Cassandra literally exploded at the end of August 2017. I never had to ask for a custom order again. I started selling things left and right. And it grew.

It grew and it grew and it grew.

God slowly replaced the hurt of lost music with the healing of a paintbrush. It has been a long arduous journey and it's not going to be over until.....until whenever!

I still can't believe that people want to buy stuff from me, but I no longer worry about if they do or if they don't! I find peace when I paint (most of the time) and it's something I can do with the Riz.

My studio is in his office so I can paint while he works or plays games. I show him everything that I do. He helps me by making my frames & wood pieces. He helps me set up and tear down shows. This is a world I share with him. This is how it should have been when I was the worship leader.

I wish I could go back and change things. I wish I had made better choices and knew what I know now. But....we wouldn't be here, in this place of healing. Things wouldn't be exactly as they are now.

Anyways, I try not to dwell on it. I'm super thankful and grateful for where I am now, my heart is full and my marriage restored. We still see a counselor time to time because it's healthy! There shouldn't be a stigma on counseling- marriages need just as much help as our bodies do.

So...maybe you're in a place of hurt right now, out of control and you can't see what's in front of you....it's okay to be scared. It's okay to be hurt. It's a hard time, but you will get through it! It might take a while, but keep trying! Take it day by day because man, you have no idea.....