#9: On Fire

Ah...this is going to be a hard one for me. I hear this song and I can't help but let the tears fall. It's part the music, part the words, part the emotion. I can't unhear it anymore. It was the last song I recorded on YouTube before...all of this. And I recorded it not because of the words or the emotion. I recorded it because I wanted everyone else to see how good I was at pretending. DEEP BREATH...I was a pretender.

It's hard to admit, but I was becoming someone I despised; the glory hog, the no time for kids mom, who only cared about how she felt and how others made her feel; able to admit defeat only to prove that she could rise above so why can't you.

Just because things are getting better doesn't mean that everything is all right.

"Cause everything inside me looks like everything I hate."

I still struggle with the same things that got me into the mess I was and am in. Wickedness still resides in me. I feel bitterness and rage, jealousy, desire. The urge to sin rises up in me like water in a well. Every day is a fight to do what is right, to be what is right. I feel alone sometimes and I wonder do others feel the way that I do. Does it ever end? Does it get easier? Will it get easier?

"You are the hope I have for change."

This is why we trust in God, why I pray for Him to shape my heart, to change me. Only He can change me. If I truly want Him to, He can shape me into someone new, refine my heart, create in me something clean.

"I'm standing on the edge of me, of everything I've never been before."

Can I do this? I'm standing on the edge, looking out at the unknown, wondering if it will hurt, if it's worth it, if I can really do this. I keep asking myself, can I do this? Can I? Can I really? Am I capable of change? What if I don't change enough? What if I don't change fast enough? What if it takes me a long time? A decade? A lifetime? Can I do this?

The wide expanse is before me, the path rocky, and all I need to do is choose to leap. Close my eyes, take a breath, I falter, I hesitate........I'm scared.

I'm scared. I'm scared of it all. I'm in a place I've never been before. I have no idea where I am going. I'm at the edge of who I am, who I was...who I will never be again. I want to get back to being on fire... and the only way there is forward, to jump, to leap, to believe in the mystery of tomorrow. God will be with me so I don't have to be scared.

So...I'll jump. I'll let the fire burn at these mysteries.

They tell you where you need to go
They tell you when you'll need to leave
They tell you what you need to know
They tell you who you need to be

But everything inside you knows
There's more than what you've heard
There's so much more than empty conversations
Filled with empty words

And you're on fire
When He's near you
You're on fire
When He speaks
You're on fire
Burning at these mysteries

Give me one more time around
Give me one more chance to see
Give me everything You are
Give me one more chance to be... (near You)

Cause everything inside me looks like
Everything I hate
You are the hope I have for change
You are the only chance I'll take

When I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
And I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries
These mysteries...

I'm standing on the edge of me [x3]
I'm standing on the edge of everything I've never been before.
And i've been standing on the edge of me
Standing on the edge

And I'm on fire
When You're near me
I'm on fire
When You speak
(Yea) I'm on fire
Burning at these mysteries... these mysteries... these mysteries
Ah you're the mystery
You're the mystery