Days Twelve to Fifteen: What Is It, This Noose Around My Neck?

What is it that I'm scared of?

I want life to be as it is now. I am scared of change. I am scared of that one moment where life stops. I want everyone to be here, as they are now; my children, my family, my friends. I don't want life to stop. I wish Nate had never died. I wish we had never said no to more children. I wish I had still lived in AZ when my papa was dying. I wish words were never exchanged with anger, flung out into the rain. I wish a lot of things and I want a lot of things and I need a lot of things.

From the moment we are born, we are dying. And death scares me! It scares me to the point of tears, cringing in the darkness. It doesn't matter that I believe in Christ and heaven and hell. It still scares me and it makes me sad.

I don't want responsibility. I don't want to be in charge. I want someone to tell me what to do, what decisions to make, to breathe in, breathe out. I'm scared I'm going to screw up. I'm never right, it is never done correctly.

Change is inevitable. It lingers around every corner, waiting. It knows that it has full power over me. Change is inevitable. It will always happen, it IS. Change is good. Change is hard. Change can be the homerun or the third strike. Pound the nail into the coffin or release the shackle off of my wrist.

Oh, I know. I already know that change is occurring and I can't stop it. I don't want December to come. I don't want to feel that sharp pain that I can see coming down the path. My heart is beating fast right now and tears are in my eyes and I can't stop. I can't stop the thoughts or the emotions or my breath. It screams at me, "You will OBEY. You can't leave. You can't pass go. You can't go to jail. You will stay right here and you will OBEY."

All I want is to just cry it out and feel better in the morning. That, too, I will know will happen. The heart gets stirred and then, release. Breathe in. Breathe out.

What is it that I'm scared of? What is it? What? I get frustrated when I can't articulate the words that are clinging to my lips. I feel them, the sound, the click of the tongue.

What would happen if I were normal? Brown hair, long hair, be good, read the Bible, go to church, send the kids to school normal. It's not bad. I see it everywhere and it looks so comfortable, like the bed at the end of a long day. But I know that's not for me. That's not who I am. That not who I was and it is not what I'm supposed to be. I could cave in, give in and pin the waters to my side.

And just as I typed that, as the thought left my fingertips, the words "Let the waters rise" came into view. "Let them rise and be free. Let Me take your load. Let Me be scared for you, to wish, to want. Let Me be in charge. Obey Me, love Me. Don't let your troubles weigh you down."

That silly little girl, with the secret smile on her lips...she knows that all of this was for a reason. To breathe in, breathe out. And see? Already, the fear, the sadness, the rage, it disappears. This is life. This is everyone's life. Change will come and it will do what it does best. But me? I will not obey change. I will, what is it, roll with the punches? Climb every mountain? I will be who I am and not think about anything else.

December will come. Death will come. One day my friends will be gone, my family will be gone and I will be here and I may be sad, but it is everyone's life. This is the normality that I can accept. This is the reality, the end of day, the bell tower striking. It is okay. It IS okay.

What is it that I'm scared of?
 I don't even remember now.