Day TWELVE- I Should've Said Yes

It's the moment when I realize that my almost 5 year-old understands the difference between a good decision and a bad decision that I feel sad. Sad because my little girl is getting older. She is getting smarter and wiser.

She was a good girl today at Target with the promise of popcorn in the front of her mind. She specifically asked for popcorn. But it was when we were buying the popcorn that it all went downhill from there. She asked for something else that she couldn't have. I said no and explained why. She persistently argued with me, trying to persuade me to change my mind. I didn't. I bought the popcorn and she proceeded to tell me she didn't want it anymore. Although I should have just left right then and there, I didn't. I still tried to be nice. I offered to share a piece of Scarlet's pretzel with her. She looked it and said she wanted a whole pretzel.

I finally grew a backbone and said we were leaving. She was also not allowed to have any pretzel at all. I have rescinded my offer and she was done. She cried all the way through the store, all the way to the car, asking for a piece of pretzel. She cried all the way home and finally calmed down when we pulled in the driveway. She asked again for a piece of pretzel and I said no.

That's when she uttered the phrase that changed everything I thought I knew about her.

"I should've said yes."

It was uttered in such a melancholy way that it made me want to give her all the pretzels in the world. But she knew it. She knew that she should have just taken the proffered piece of pretzel when she had the chance. She knew she had made a bad decision. She actually spoke her thought out loud for all the world to hear and it made me so sad. And I love her oh so much, my sweet Piper.

Did I know that having children would be heartbreaking as well as joyous? I don't think that was the first thing I thought of when I saw the two lines on that pregnancy test. I don't think I thought of it when I saw Piper's sweet face for the first time. I think we all know, in the back of our mind, that one day our hearts are going to break but because of love. How can we possibly hold it all? I think only a mother can. Only a mother can give her heart fully to each child and still remain broken and whole at the same time. 

I am so lucky to be a mother. The bestest mommy they've ever had. And that's exactly what she said.