Ending A Decade, Part One

Birthdays are milestones.

You're born, you celebrate your first year around the sun. Now, you're 5 and ready to start school. 10 and you're forever in the double digits. 12, you're a preteen; 13, a teenager; 18 an adult; 21 you can legally drink....and then what?

The decades start rolling. 

It literally feels like forever ago and not so long ago that I turned 30. I remember it was exciting, a big "surprise" party. You were hitting the big one!

Then 31 came along and I thought, this is it. I feel old.

HA! Old????? OLD??? Oh man, Cassandra....crazy, crazy, crazy.

Now, I sit on the precipice of 40. In one week, I will turn 40 and I'm thinking back on my decades of adulthood that I've experienced so far.

My 20's were spent traveling, getting married and having babies. When I turned 30, I knew the next decade of my life would be raising said babies. 

I didn't know.
I didn't know that I would lose friends and family to death.
I didn't know how hard raising those babies would be.
I didn't know that my marriage was going to fall apart.
I didn't know that I would hit rock bottom and then some.
I didn't know the world would turn upside down.

My 30's were all about me. There were a LOT of good years and superb memories. But there were some scary times, when I didn't know what was coming.

I didn't know.

I didn't know I was weak, but I found out I was strong. I found out that when I put my mind to it, I can change things I thought were unchangeable. I found out that I CAN be a leader without making it all about me.

I found out who I really am. I didn't like what I saw, but then I learned to love myself, flaws and all. 

My name is Cassandra. I'm 39...and I'm stronger than ever.

It Was Time

Bryce and I had been figuring things out for two years now. For those of you who have been there since the beginning, you KNOW how much hard work we have put into our marriage.

And we're STILL working on it- I don't think you are ever 100% done.

I felt like life was great. It was good. Things were good. Communicating was easier, normal was falling into place. And I felt like there was one more piece of "normal" that I wanted to try to add back in.

DING DING DING if you said music.

I wanted to add music back into my life and scheduled an appointment with our amazing counselor. He agreed that it might serve as a great healing opportunity, if we were willing to let it.

I was...Bryce was hesitant. He had every right to be. Wasn't it just a couple of years ago that I tried to replace him with my job at church? Wasn't it the presence on stage that caused me to stumble?

It was never the actual music. It was never the act of singing and worshiping. It was everything else. In Bryce's mind, it is hard to differentiate all of that...

BUT...he said yes. You can try it. We can see if it works. We can see if it is still a normal thing.

What? WHAT?! Really????

Me: Okay, take it in stride, calm down and breathe. Don't jump the gun and move immediately. Keep praying about it.

First step....as a former leader, can I even serve in that same ministry again? Are the pastors okay with it?

YES.

Second step...does the current worship leader even want me on the team? I know I would have had a hard time with that, but he said

YES- audition.

Third step...audition?????? I've never auditioned for anything! Time to take a bite of that used up term "humble pie" and just do it. I was nervous. Heck, I'd been nervous since Bryce agreed to let me do this. What if I can't sing well? What if I don't sing well? What if the worship leader decides I'm not a good fit? So....I audition with two songs I know well...

YES- you're a team member.

I cry. I cry a lot. I can't believe it. I get scheduled for the middle of September and I feel like the world is spinning off its axis.

Am I really doing this? Is this really happening? For so long, I thought that maybe God's plan was for me to do Canvas By Cassandra and music would be a thing of the past.

And....can I be a volunteer? Will I be able to take direction and not question it or give unwarranted advice?

The answer is and was.....YES. And....it was amazing. It was glorious. It was fulfilling. It was an honor. It was a privilege. And it was mine.

And there I was. I was on the stage, earpieces in....singing You Say by Lauren Daigle....and I cried.

I sang again in October, I sang again in November, I was super honored to sing at Christmas Eve and I'm singing again this month. Once a month....I get excited for those rehearsals, to use the craft that God has blessed me with. Heck, I get excited to do harmonies again, just like I used to!

And Bryce? Well, it is still kind of hard. But I'm hoping he can see that life can still be good and marriage be great and life be normal...and I pray for a wealth of healing to pour out of this experience, for both of us.

Another First Day Of School- YEAR 8!!!

8 years.....that's how long we have been homeschooling with Utah Virtual Academy!








Just look at these faces!


Piper is entering 7th grade, fully into middle school now. Last year was a huge eye opener to the difference between online schooling in elementary and middle school, so this year, we are fully prepared!


She still loves unicorns, Harry Potter, snuggling and root beer floats. She's starting to get "bored" a little more often and has a crush on someone.


Braces for the second round, but she still has a beautiful smile...and those eyes!!!


Samantha is entering 5th grade and here, in Utah, she is at the end of elementary! MY HEART!!!


She tumbles all over the house, can almost do an aerial (no-handed cartwheel), loves Captain America and is getting more and more freckles!


She's on the cusp of being a preteen and she's still the most sarcastic of all the girls, but man! She is the epitome of the blond hair-blue eyed skinny Minnie!


Scarlet is entering 3rd grade- this is an easy thing for me because I've done this curriculum twice already!!


She's still my Choochie who gives me snuggles, who gets scared at night sometimes, who always needs to sleep with Minnie, is rough and tumble, but the sweetest little girl.


We're prepping for an expander and then onto braces, but look! Her 2nd front tooth is on its way in and if you have been following us, you know her teeth trauma over the last 5 years! She's going to look so different with teeth, but still just as cute as a button!



We're ready for this school year and excited to still be at home together!